Self-care: What the $1.5 Trillion Industry Doesn’t Want You to Know

Bubble baths, facials, and mani-pedis may bring joy to some, for a moment, but most people report these types of activities don’t have long-lasting effects. In fact, many have shared complete disinterest in these “self-care” activities, finding them to be more work to find time in their schedule and resenting the time wasted that could have been used to complete other items on their to-do lists, causing even further stress. And still others find buying self-care products and services to be unsatisfying and disappointing. 

If we aren’t satisfied with the thousands of self-care products and services available, are we doomed? Is there something wrong with us if we can’t find joy in a manicure?! The short answer is “No.” Long-lasting self-care doesn’t necessarily require a financial investment. True self-care is rarely something we purchase. 

Mindfulness and self-compassion are two self care practices that are free. Not only do they support us to cultivate a sense of safety and calm in our own bodies, they also support us to live out our values and show up for our family and friends the way we intend. When we take care of ourselves in a deep and meaningful way, we build the capacity to take care of others.

Mindfulness as a Tool

Mindfulness is being present, in the moment, actively noticing and acknowledging your thoughts, feelings, and body sensations, without judgment. By being present with our thoughts and feelings, we can become aware of the state of our nervous system and take note of our capacity, or ability, to handle stress in each given moment. We start by taking a few deep breaths, signalling to our nervous system that we are safe, not being threatened. Next, we take a moment to gauge the level of our cup: Are we feeling steady in this moment? Can we approach the situation with curiosity or do we feel our energy and mind are limited and need to step away to take good care of our feelings? Finally, we take action: we feel our feet on the ground, take a deep breath, and begin to get curious, maybe asking questions internally or externally. Or, maybe, we communicate a need for a few minutes of space in order to regulate, and step away. In this example, we are taking care of ourselves by going to a separate place to be with our feelings and process what is showing up in our bodies and our thoughts. 

When my kids were little, I often found it challenging to leave the room to separate myself so I would sit down wherever I was and name what I was doing. “I’m feeling a lot of swirling in my chest so I am going to sit down and get in touch with my feelings. Do you want to sit with me and breathe? Once I calm down, I’ll be able to think more clearly about how I can help you.” Sometimes I would say, “I need a mindful moment, so I’m going to take a few breaths and feel my feet on the floor.” This was a way for me to remind myself to take a moment and connect to my body, becoming aware of my thoughts, to make sense of why I was responding the way I was or to get clear what my needs were so I could create space in order to be open to my family’s needs. It also let my kids know I was taking a break in order to regulate and show up in a way that would feel safe and likely more effective in helping them meet their needs. The message I was modeling for my kids was, “By taking care of myself, I can take care of others.”

Morning Mindfulness Practice

Each morning, if we create a habit of assessing our current stress level or nervous system state, we will teach ourselves the habit of checking in and seeing what’s alive in us. Some people enjoy meditation or journaling, while others prefer some type of movement or exercise like walking, running, Tai Chi, Qigong, or yoga. Whatever works for each of us to connect internally, to get in touch with and assess our current level of resources, is a form of self-care that allows us to get to know ourselves. We can begin to get in touch with whether we feel fully resourced in a given moment or need to make sure to schedule time for ourselves in order to take good care of our own needs. Paying attention to our feelings, thoughts, and body sensations, we can collect information about how we are doing. Is our battery on low and we need to take a moment to recharge or does our tank have enough gas to make it a few more miles before we really need to pull over and fill it? 

It’s important to note that if we make it a habit to just barely fill our tank, if we keep running on low or empty, it could result in a regretful blow up or even chandeliering with our partner or kids. When we make it a practice to take care of ourselves and fully fill our tank, we’ll find we have enough resources to truly show up when our kids need us most. This not only supports our family but makes us feel good about ourselves and the way we are showing up and connecting with the ones we love.

An established morning mindfulness practice can help us become familiar with remembering to check in with what’s happening inside, creating a new habit of introspection, checking in with our internal climate. For some, it can even be a source of energy, a way for us to sort out our thoughts and feelings, which may in turn, refill our tank. By taking just five or ten minutes in the morning to meditate, we can assess our resource level which will help us to be better equipped to handle stressful situations and hopefully show up for our family in the way we hope and envision. Our mindfulness practice can help us to root down deeply, firmly planting ourselves in order to handle the strong winds of parenthood and to shade and nurture our seedlings as they grow. 

Self-Compassion Grows Compassion

As parents or caregivers, we want to show up for our children fully resourced and be our best selves as much as possible. When we respond in a way that feels regretful, we are typically pretty hard on ourselves. Self-Compassion is a form of self-care, and it’s free! To nurture ourselves, we can choose to speak kindly to ourselves, the way a friend would, and befriend or quiet our inner critic. By developing a practice of self-compassion, we can learn how to establish a new way of being with ourselves, focussing on acceptance and self-love. It may sound ooey-gooey to some, but once you begin to offer yourself the loving kindness you received from your parents, or wished you had, you will see that it opens you up to accepting others in the same way. When we are compassionate to ourselves, it opens up our capacity to offer compassion to others.

When we notice we aren’t fully resourced and able to show up in a way that we can feel good about, it’s even more important to offer ourselves compassion in these moments. Accepting ourselves, we must let go of perfectionism; there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Once we are able to accept our faults and recognize that every day isn’t going to be sunshine and rainbows, we can offer ourselves compassion and find a way to accept things, as they are. Growing our own self-compassion allows us to grow our capacity to accept others. 

Rather than viewing challenges, disagreements, or behaviors as bad or something to avoid, I invite you to shift your paradigm and see them as opportunities to show our kids that it’s okay if life doesn’t always go as planned. We don’t always show up the way we want to even when we have the best intentions. The goal is not perfection. 

Days when everything seems to be going wrong or everyone’s bumping heads seem like opportunities for us and our children to build resilience and share kindness with one another, when we’re able. This is where our mindfulness practice can support us in being present. Paying attention and noticing when we are struggling, we can pause with awareness and intentionally decide how to approach our loved ones and see the opportunity in the challenge.

Our children, just like us, may have days where they can’t seem to shake off a mood or everything really seems to set them off. If we take good care of ourselves, we can hold space for the way our children show up. We can also model self-compassion for our kids so they can forgive themselves when they are struggling. In challenging times we’ll be able to say to our loved ones, “I will always be there for you, no matter how you show up.” After all, isn’t that the message we all wanted to receive as kids?  

Modeling Self-Compassion For Our Children

Mistakes are an opportunity for growth and understanding. What if we talk about this with our kids? We can share with them that we didn’t realize how under-resourced we were and that’s why we responded the way we did. Taking the time to repair and talk it out allows our children to see us as imperfect, and that they aren’t expected to show up perfect every minute of every day either. That would be exhausting. It allows them to learn, by example, about self-care and how to pay attention to when our cup is reaching empty; that we sometimes have choice and can refill our cups before our resources run dry and other times it gets away from us and we respond in a way we regret or in a way that isn’t aligned with how we hope to show up in the world. Sometimes blow-ups or feelings of overwhelm happen. We have the opportunity to use our mindfulness to be present with our feelings, notice what happened internally that caused the reaction, and give ourselves compassion and understanding so that, next time, we might be able to respond in a healthy or skillful way. 

Self-Care Looks Different For Everyone

It doesn’t have to be an expensive facial cream, a stack of adult coloring books, a massage, or yoga or pilates classes. These are all things that cost money and tend not to truly fill someone’s cup. For some folks, a massage is just what you need to release and feel good in your body, but for many it’s not. Some may find it helpful to journal and get their thoughts and feelings down on paper while others may cringe at the idea of writing and prefer to find a friend or circle of strangers to express their feelings and needs outloud. Connecting with nature can be nourishing whether it be hiking, trail running, or simply sitting outside and listening to songbirds. There are so many different kinds of self-care options. Here is a list of areas to focus.

Areas to Focus Your Self-Care:

• Sleep

• Healthy Eating

• Exercise

• Structure & Routine (Creating Predictability)

• Learn & Explore

• Mindfulness & Self-Compassion

• Connection with friends, family, and co-workers

Some parents have expressed that self-care takes time away from getting other things on the to-do list done, creating even more stress. It’s important to take the time to figure out what’s right for you since, for most of us, time is precious and wasting it on something that doesn’t actually nurture us can be demoralizing. I found it to be a process and took my time to figure out what exactly I needed to truly fill my cup. At the beginning, I found myself returning home from “self-care” unfulfilled and wondering why I spent the time or money. I worried if I would ever find something that truly filled my cup. Eventually, I did and I also realized, depending on my needs, my own self care can look different depending on the day or the season of life. 

Self-Care Can Change or Evolve

Self-care may look different from day to day or season to season. It’s important to note that what fills our cup today may change or evolve over time. For me, some days yoga might be really fulfilling, other days I love to sit on my meditation cushion and journal afterwards, and then there are days I just want to stay in bed and meditate lying down. Instead of movement, I might find sitting with a cup of tea and no kids to tend to for an hour is just what I need that day.

When yoga was a full-body meditation for me, it truly felt like self-care. Once I became sick with tick borne illnesses, Qigong, Tai Chi, and yoga became essential to increasing my energy and helping me feel good in my body, but it felt more like healthcare, something I was doing to support my body to heal more than it was a spiritually nourishing practice. I had to rediscover what self-care looked like for me. Now, as my children are older and we’re in the next season of our lives together, I find it evolving again. 

Summary

Figuring out what self-care truly looks like for ourselves and making it a priority will help support us, as parents, to show up for our children as the best version of ourselves. Whether self-care takes the form of mindfulness, self-compassion, or any other form that brings you joy and awe and fills your cup, it is integral for our happiness as well as our kids’ happiness. If any part of you still has that lingering thought that self-care is selfish, please reread this blog. Self-care is a necessity for not only your own happiness, but the safety and connection your children will experience from being with a fully resourced caregiver.

If connecting with others to listen to or share your parenting experiences feels like a nourishing part of your self-care, I invite you to join one of our free empathy circles.

www.thrivefamilycircle.com/family-circles