When Did You Realize Your Family’s Technology Use Was Out of Control?

For me, it was the day my daughter reached for a screen to regulate her emotions. Yikes! As soon as I noticed my daughter going to her laptop to play video games when she got upset, I realized her relationship with technology was not healthy and not in line with our family goals and values. It definitely wasn’t in line with our values steeped in social emotional intelligence and the strategies that I thought I was instilling in my kids since they were wee ones.  

When I reflect on my intentions as a parent, starting from the very beginning, I am reminded of our values: to listen, be curious, offer empathy and understanding, be open to other perspectives, have awareness of our feelings and mental formations (thoughts and stories), and to view our relationship with our children as a partnership. Connecting with these values, I was able to get clear about how to engage in a discussion about the use of technology in our home. Our family’s approach to parenting is one of partnership, keeping in mind that everyone may be at a different stage developmentally, needing different levels of support. Connecting with our intentions, we created a healthy tech plan, not only for our home, but also for school, the library, and in general, throughout our community. We have worked together to come up with a plan that works for each of us, individually, including how we can support each other in building and maintaining healthy tech habits, sort of like accountability buddies. Just as we would support each other with learning how to ride a bike or maintain a healthy diet, we discussed and created a plan that supports the balance between social connection, connection to nature, and the use of technology. 

We have been intentional about our family’s use of technology from the start. We didn’t introduce screens until well past our children’s second birthdays. When my oldest was born, I turned off the notifications to all the apps on my phone and formed a new habit of only looking at my phone when my kids weren’t around, doing my best to be present with them, in the moment, rather than lost in a screen. In our home, we rarely have devices at the dinner table, or any meal, and we do our best to model healthy relationships with our devices, presenting phones, laptops, and other technology as tools to accomplish tasks and acquire knowledge rather than spending hours consuming media for entertainment or to self-soothe when we are activated.  As my kids grew, we slowly introduced their use of technology. After all, who doesn’t love a movie projected outside with blankets, pillows, and popcorn?

With family living out of state and the pandemic’s arrival, technology became a tool for connecting with loved ones. As a homeschooling family, who roadschooled for two years in an RV, technology became a tool for research and online courses. As many families have shared with me, technology and media are everywhere; completely eliminating them doesn’t seem feasible. In fact, choosing to ignore the Internet or pretending like it doesn’t exist seems more like a missed opportunity to teach our kids how to manage media and balance the use of technology.  At some point, technology eventually enters the picture and I have found that if it isn’t addressed, if we don’t discuss a plan and create a culture around technology in our families, its use can snowball out of control pretty quickly!

How Much Media Is Too Much?

Every family’s media use is different depending on the parents’ values and comfort level with technology use and media consumption. Some families use technology in all aspects of their lives and have very few limits. Other families choose to limit and closely monitor their children’s use of technology. There is no right or wrong way and it isn’t black and white, so families can create a culture anywhere in between. How much media is too much depends on your family’s values. It is up to each individual family to consider and get clear about their feelings around technology and media and ways it can support and hinder their relationship with their children. 

When our children were younger, I remember reading in journal articles and parenting books about how screen time can take away from imaginative play, gross motor and fine motor development, and boredom, which fosters creativity and problem-solving skills. I poured over parenting books and listened to hours of podcasts, TED talks, and interviews of parenting experts discussing healthy tech habits. If you're interested in some of the resources I'm reffering to, please take a look at my Reading List.

Our family chose no technology for our children while their brains were first developing based on our understanding of neuroscience research and our pediatrician’s recommendations. As they grew, we slowly introduced tech as we felt it was age appropriate. We explored when technology felt supportive, giving us ease or offering connection, and when it created challenges. As they got older we also started to notice its ever growing presence in our lives, through friends and family, and rather than avoid it, we decided it was time to engage with our kids in a discussion about our habits and values. We stumbled and danced our way through finding a balance that worked for all of us.

How Do We Create a Tech Culture Within Our Family? 

It's helpful to establish your family’s media use and tech culture by coming up with a clear plan. How do we know our limits if we haven’t considered how we feel about technology and what we are or aren’t comfortable with? Whether you are first starting out with young ones or find yourself with tweens or teens in a hot mess with technology, it’s never too late to create the tech culture within your own family by:

1. Modeling healthy tech habits

2. Establishing screen-free areas in your home (bedroom, main living room, kitchen)

3. Choosing certain times of the day to be screen-free, and

4. Creating a charging station somewhere in the home to ensure devices aren’t charging in your child’s bedroom overnight.

Once you are clear about when, where, how, and how much your family will access devices and the Internet, it is helpful to have a discussion or family meeting to go over your values so that they are clear to everyone. It can even be written out, like a contract or agreement, describing each individual's plan and then signing it. Making it a habit to talk to your kids about your tech choices as they are happening is also valuable and supportive for their learning. For example, you might say, “I’m going to set my phone down so you can have my full attention” or “I want to be fully present with you, let me take a second and turn off my phone.” I can recall when my kids were younger, picking up my cell phone and saying, “I need to respond to your dad’s text so he can meet us for lunch and then I will put my phone away so you can have my full attention.” Naming our intention to be present and to put away a device allows our children to see what we are thinking, the internal choices that we are making around technology that, if we hadn’t narrated, they would not have witnessed or known.

By being clear about our family’s values and establishing a tech culture, when we are out of balance or the pendulum swings too far from our center, we are able to recognize the imbalance and address it. As soon as I noticed my daughter’s tendency to reach for her device to play video games when she felt dysregulated or frustrated, I realized we were out of alignment. Because our family had made a list of options (a regulation plan) when dysregulated, I noticed she was beginning to apply a different strategy than what she had been doing in the past. Rather than going for a walk to connect with nature or listening to some soothing music, she began reaching for the screen. 

What Do We Do When We Notice an Imbalance?

First, I checked in with myself and gave myself a healthy dose of self-compassion. I paid attention to my thoughts, feelings, and body sensations: the judgments, guilt, fear, parts of my body that were gripping, and anything else that was giving me information about my nervous system and the parts that were showing up at that moment. “How could this have happened? We talked about healthy tech habits and we don’t model using technology to regulate our emotions, quite the opposite! What did I do wrong?”  I listened, soothed, and journaled. I meditated and found empathy, compassion, and understanding both for myself and my daughter. I processed what was happening and then, when I felt regulated and clear of my intentions, I reached out and asked her if she would be willing to talk about her new use of video games as a strategy to self-soothe. 

Rather than shaming or lecturing, I listened. Most adolescents long to be seen and heard. It’s the relationships we build and the connection we nurture that has the biggest impact on our kids. I listened as my daughter expressed her feelings and explained her strategy. I acknowledged, based on her needs, how her strategy made sense. Because we are currently learning about healthy tech habits through an online course, I reminded her how her strategy offered her dopamine and other brain chemicals that made her feel better and also why we are choosing to address our feelings and needs with different strategies, creating healthier habits, that will serve all of us better in the long run. 

Sharing Power & Building Trust

It is impossible to monitor our kids all the time, and surveillance doesn’t sit right with our values and intentions, so we decided to teach them healthy habits for using tech independently. By controlling their use of tech or media, we squander the opportunity for our kids to build healthy tech habits and send the message they aren’t capable of finding their own way. Through our family's experiences, and those shared by others, it is clear that when we try to control or take something away from our children (power-over parenting), they tend to sneak it and find creative ways to access the things we try to keep from them. Our kids are resourceful and could find a way to access it at school, a friend's house, the library, or elsewhere. Once we realize the Internet is not going away, it feels imperative to create connection, build trust, and instill our values in our kids. 

Rather than creating a culture of disconnection, deception, and power-over, we decided to talk openly with our kids about their media use and offer guidance as they navigated something new. For our family, we did our best to introduce technology slowly and when we felt they were ready, we slowly introduced opportunities for them to be in control of their own use. When I saw my daughter reaching for a screen to self-soothe, that was my que to connect and offer support. By talking about our fears and needs for balance and safety, our children can gain an understanding of why we want to set limits and find balance: for their safety, mental health, and well-being. Through connection, understanding, and trust, we can work together to come up with strategies and build the skills necessary to navigate media and devices in a safe and healthy way. 

Offering Just the Right Amount of Support 

Even though we waited to introduce technology when we thought it was age appropriate, we were also willing to consider when our kids felt ready. Some kids are more sensitive than others, so we ended up following their lead, introducing media even slower than we anticipated, as they felt ready. We listened to our kids and navigated media and technology together, holding hands like we would when crossing the street. With an understanding of how their brains develop and supporting them as they grow, we have paid attention to each child to gain an understanding of their capacity for self-discipline and decision making. Sometimes it can be hard to tell when to let go and allow them to try crossing the street on their own. For some parents, it may be hard to tell when children are ready. 

If we trust in our relationship, that we’ve built a solid foundation, we can give our kids a chance to make choices for themselves. If our child stumbles, we can step in and offer support. By giving them autonomy, a chance to succeed or fail, they are given a chance to learn, even from their mistakes (which is where much of our learning happens.)  When they are struggling, we can offer just the right amount of support, not doing everything for them, but just offering support with whatever piece of the puzzle they find challenging. In this way, when it’s age appropriate, we are helping them to find balance with their use of technology and media, offering guidance as needed. Just like learning how to ride a bike, we aren’t expected to ride it for them. Instead, they learn by doing/trial and error. Some kids may pick it up easily with no need for support, while others will likely fall, maybe even crash a few times, until they get the hang of it. 

When our kids are learning how to ride a bike, most parents don’t hand their child a bike and say “good luck” and go back inside. Some parents will offer a balance bike or add training wheels. Most of the parents I know offer to explain how to find balance while riding the bike, model it by riding a bike so their child can watch and note how others do it, and some parents even hold on to the bike and offer support, jogging alongside their child as they try to figure out how to balance the bike while pedaling and steering. It can be helpful to view a device in the same way. Our kids need someone to talk through with them how to balance the use of technology, to see what it looks like for others to have healthy tech habits, and then to be given a chance to use it and find balance in its day-to-day use. 

What’s the message we want our kids to receive? In our family, the message is we believe in them and trust them to try their best, and if they struggle or fall, we’ll be there to pick them up and offer support until they’ve got it. Children need the opportunity to try in order to build a skill. Our family is always reminding one another that failure or mistakes are often how we learn. When given the opportunity to learn new tech habits, we can build self-control with technology. By practicing, one rep at a time, we can find balance and build our media muscle. 

What does it look like to set limits if we parent using power-with rather than power-over?

Often, use of technology or media becomes a power struggle: we take the technology away, hide it, lock it up, or decide when and how long our children can access it. What if we change our approach and send the message that we trust in their ability to make healthy choices? First, we would need to discuss what healthy habits look like, establish family values and practices around tech and media, and then we can offer support or offer space, freedom, and choice to navigate on their own, depending, sometimes, on their age, but, most likely, by their level of self-control. Having an understanding of their brain development and where their strengths and weaknesses lay, by being a present parent who knows their child, we can set them up for success and build their confidence with their relationship to technology.

To be honest, I struggled at first with how to share power when it comes to digital safety. It took time for me to journal, get clear, and remember that I am the one with a fully developed prefrontal cortex and the ability to decide when to stop consuming media. At least, in theory. When having this conversation, I was honest with my children and shared that I still struggle with finding a balance myself. With our help, they can build healthy tech habits that will serve them as they grow into adulthood. Our hope is that they will struggle less by balancing the use of technology as they become adults. 

We talk to our kids about healthy eating. Maybe some parents choose to control how much sugar their child eats. What has that conversation looked like? Do we offer choice and discuss how sugar makes them feel and behave or do we control their intake? (This is something our family has explored since our kids were about 4 and 6 years old, having a deeper discussion as they have grown up.) But if we’re talking to our children about the foods they eat because we have a need for them to have healthy eating habits, shouldn't we also consider their consumption of media? Thay (Thich Nhat Hanh) often refers to this concept of consumption and having an awareness of all the different things we consume, not just food, and how they impact our thoughts and well-being. 

Sugar is a great example. Most parents want their kids to eat healthy. They offer vegetables and limit sweets. We don’t leave their favorite treat sitting out all the time for them to have to decide whether or not to indulge. (We ourselves might not have that much self-control.) We wouldn’t leave a tempting tasty treat in their bedroom overnight, so why would we leave a device charging in their room with no supervision when they’re first learning how to build the skill of self-control. Just like we have a conversation with them about why we put the cookies away, in order to not be tempted, we can build that same relationship and skill with technology.

When I approached my daughter about this topic, she expressed fear that her device would be taken away or controlled by us, and, let’s face it, most tweens do not want to be told what to do; a need for independence is developmentally appropriate and very much alive in my child. Staying connected to our family values, I acknowledged that we would be stepping in to offer support by helping manage her use of technology and that it may look like we are controlling her device. We discussed how the teenage brain develops, referring to Dan Siegel’s book Brainstorm, and that we are here to help form healthy habits. Once she’s able to find new strategies to support her emotional dysregulation, the choice around when to use technology or consume media would return. I reassured her that she would have control of her devices once she built the muscle, the skill, of self-control with media and technology. 

Rather than take the device away, we came up with a plan, together, to keep the laptop in our office so that when she wanted it, she came to us and we helped her decide if it was a healthy choice. We supported her in recording her use and, because we were aware she was using a device, we were available to check in after a set amount of time to see if she was done or supported her to get off the device. After a while, she decided to use a timer to practice getting off her device independently. The first week required a lot of effort and mindfulness as we found our way and worked out a few kinks in our initial plan. Looking back, she shared how she actually appreciated our support and recognized her struggle with making healthy choices around technology. Months later, her laptop continues to be stored out of her room, she continues to find other things to do rather than just turning to her device, and the allure of the device seems to have dissipated.   

Empathy Circles, A Support Group at Thrive Family Circle

Navigating technology use and establishing new habits for the new year may seem daunting to some families. Fears may come up around accomplishing a task that is so important to the health of your children and your family as a whole.  It may feel out of reach. I started Thrive Family Circle to build community, which is vital to transforming and healing families. Thich Nhat Hanh discussed the importance of community, or sangha, and often referred to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s vision of “the beloved community.” They both recognized the importance of supporting one another through a collective energy. This is the inspiration for our free Empathy Circles on the 2nd and 4th Wednesday of each month. If you feel alone or isolated and are looking to navigate this very worthy goal with like-minded families who may be experiencing the same types of struggles with media and technology, please join us here: thrivefamilycircle.com/family-circles 

Let’s raise our children by lifting each other up!